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UnNews:Obama sanctions Russians | Uncyclopedia | Fandom powered by Wikia

UnNews:Obama sanctions Russians | Uncyclopedia | Fandom powered by Wikia

31 December 2016

Easy button
The faulty translation on the "Reset" button that Secretary Clinton gave Vladimir Putin suggested that Putin would find it "easy" to hack the 2016 election.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama has announced sanctions against the Russian government for "hacking" the 2016 Presidential election.
Obama targeted 35 Russian diplomats here, ordering the Post Office not to deliver them any coupons for the Taco Bell two-for-one holiday offer on Double Cheesy Tacos.
Obama was responding to CIA proof that Russians hacked the election. The CIA did not see Boris Badenov abscond with any actual boxes of ballots; however, it did conclude that it was Russians who induced Hillary Clinton consigliere John Podesta to change his Gmail password by typing the new one into Podesta chose the password cankles and, from that point on, correspondence about the use of BitBleach on Hillary's secret Department of State email server, getting tipped off on the debate questions, dirty tricks at Donald Trump rallies, and pay-to-play at the Clinton Family Tip Jar became public knowledge, whereas the Federal Election Commission states that the Russians were duty-bound to help Hillary keep covering it up at least through the election.
Obama stressed that, if the denial of Cheesy Tacos coupons doesn't "send a message," he would be forced into harsher measures, such as using spray paint to draw a "red line" in front of the White House and daring those ol' Rooskies to step across.
Republican legislators in Congress hoped Obama would go even further. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and John McCain (R-AZ) begged Obama to let them launch "just a couple" nuclear weapons.
The neat role reversal from four years ago, when Obama scolded Mitt Romney for calling Russia the biggest defense problem and Hillary assured Vladimir Putin that bygones were bygones, is seen as a normal turn of events for the time between Christmas and New Year's Day, when there is never any real news.
At last report, Alfred Nobel has not asked for the return of his 2009 Peace Prize, because he is safely underground, surely in a bomb shelter.


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